I Don’t Understand “Small Goals”.
As a black woman in America, seeing the rise of so many black women business owners and content creators, I feel like there’s room for me too. I have to get in on this! I love to create. But I’m also a black woman with the issue of perfectionism and I set really high goals for myself. I don’t comprehend small goals. Therefore, it’s hard to celebrate the small ones.
For some, this is brag-worthy. You might be like me. You grew up being an overachiever. Most of the time it came with ease because you knew what you wanted to do, you knew what the end result looked like, and you did it. It also came with ease because you are talented in many areas. You received gifts, awards, great grades, praise, and more. During those times, life was good… until it wasn’t. And you begin to wonder what YOU did wrong. Well, that’s how I think. For me, none of it brag-worthy.
Related Post: It’s Never Too Late to Live: Self-Care Saturday.
Unfortunately, it’s all because I placed my value on my accomplishments. I didn’t mean to. It just happened and it started when I was really young. I was bullied for being fat but praised for being smart. I had a hard time seeing my value as a human being. Everything about me was and still is the total opposite of what America has deemed beautiful. I know I’m beautiful, but… yeah. Some days I don’t feel like I am. I’m a chubby dark-skinned old-soul who is smart. I’m not popular and I never was. So, I immerse myself in work and what I “have” to do. This will make me worthy. Right?
I Want What I Was Told That I’m Supposed to Have!
I just want to be great at what I do and have it pay the bills, but I can’t tell if I’m good enough yet. The problem is that I suffer from not knowing if I’m actually not trying hard enough or if I’m actually held back in a society that never meant for me to win. I can’t even write this post without feeling like it’s meaningless and no one will read it because it’s not like other’s blog posts. Or it will easily be overlooked because a Pinterest-worthy post 1,345,978 written by a popular blogger who said that I must do these “50 things” before submitting a blog post and that crap is a 300-Level college course of tediousness.
The problem is that I suffer from not knowing if I’m actually not trying hard enough or if I’m actually held back in a society that never meant for me to win.Tweet
I just don’t know how to fight it and have my work look as good as I see the work of other bloggers. I know that comparison is the thief of joy, but they must be doing something right. Right? They are making it. They are showing how much money they made last month or last year.
To add, COVID, lockdown, and reduced income has put me in a mode where I feel like if I don’t create something for myself, I’m going to become homeless and die. That there is Anxiety running her mouth!
Of course, I’m not in that position now, but I feel that I must create so that I can provide. I must also create so that I can survive. I’m an artist at heart and the capitalist mentally that I have as an American makes it difficult to see the good in my work unless it has produced some type of cash and praise. It’s human nature to want both. Respectively, they are a form of security and love.
Over the past year, I was so stuck on creating to earn instead of creating to share what I’ve learned. Yes, some of my posts are helpful, but I wanted growth and popularity. Well, I think I should first apologize to everyone who’s read my blog. I deleted posts that were raw and honest in fear of what others thought. Therefore, causing everyone to miss out on the most vulnerable parts of myself.
From now on, I want to be transparent because I have a story to tell… a really good story to tell. Will you read it?