This past week, I was contributing guest on *The Spoken Black Girl blog. I spoke about the holidays, mourning, and self-care. I mentioned that I would exercise some of the ideas I shared in that post. Below is my first journal entry for the holiday season. I won’t be posting a daily entry, but I will post as often as necessary to as apart of keeping myself whole while still in mourning during the holidays.
So, I did a few things for myself this Thanksgiving.
November 25, 2016
Yesterday was the fourth Thanksgiving without my mom. I thought about her and the rest of my living family; the family I should have called but I didn’t. I didn’t want them to ask me how I am doing or how things are going. I feel more obligated to tell them the truth than I do when my in-laws ask me. I’m not sure why, but even though we don’t speak much, I think they know a little better to know that my okay doesn’t mean I’m really okay.
My basics were met. I showered, brushed my teeth, ate breakfast, and took in a few cups of water. I took notice of how my body felt, noticed back pain, and took pain relievers so that I can enjoy the rest of my day. I took my twists out and rocked a mean twist-out. I wore eyeliner and winged the corners. I wore red wine-colored lipstick. I looked good and felt good.
I wrote about my mom in my journal before I went to eat with my in-laws. I asked God to tell her that I miss her and I love her. I told God how I felt about yesterday. How I am glad she is with Him and not sick anymore. She may not be here anymore, but there’s no more suffering where she is now.
I kept my portions small, but I still ate, drank, laughed, and engaged with my family. I enjoyed my time with them, but my Thanksgiving wasn’t what I hoped it would be.
I wasn’t able to cook the way I wanted to this year. The finances didn’t allow it. That bummed me out a lot. However, it’s not like any family would have come over to help us eat it. Whether it be blood or in-law, the family don’t visit and stay. Sometimes I get sad about that. Especially, when folks know where I live, I haven’t moved in over four years, and I tell them that they are always welcome. However, I don’t want anyone in my home who doesn’t want to be here. I need only peaceful energy in my home. I don’t care what holiday it is.
I took another shower, used my homemade lavender body scrub and butter. Doing that made me feel really pampered and my skin felt so soft. I then made it to bed before 11 pm. Showering and going to bed before midnight made a world of difference for my mood last night and today. I don’t feel as tense.
I think that taking a little extra care yesterday made Thanksgiving just a little more bearable this year. I am thankful for opportunities for family, food, and opportunities for self-care.
Thanks for reading!